Here's the thing about me and blogging. I want to write about personal stuff. Everyone does. I know that. I just don't get how I am supposed to blog about my life and not expect shit to come back and bite me. Maybe other bloggers are aware of this and say fuck it and just write what they want to write.
God that makes me nervous. Having the people I write about see what I write about them is scary. Blogging is just like putting your diary online, except you want people to read your personal thoughts on a wide range of seriously mundane and trivial things. Sure, some people blog for work, knowledge and to promote different thinking, but I don't think I am one of those people.
I guess I do want people to know what I have to say about stupid things in my stupid life, except none of it is stupid to me. It all seems very important, hilarious and insightful.
It probably isn't. And all the personal shit I say will most likely end up in me fighting with my friends who think I am being a bitch. That's what friends do right? From what I've observed you fight like hell with your friends, but you love them and you still want to see them a few days later (maybe a week or a few months depending on the fight). For most people who fight with their friends they throw around some names, they get mad at each other and say things they don't mean, but I don't really think I do that very well.
I tend to be the person who sits there being yelled at, and when I try to say what I'm feeling it comes out wrong, so I end up crying out of frustration and just leaving the room so I can stop being yelled at.
I think Kris is the only one who I can really fight with properly. Mostly because he doesn't let me get frustrated and give up. I don't see that between my other friends though, especially the ones back home. It's happened so many times where they get pissed and miscommunicate and then end up talking shit about each other for a few days. No one can just get through the bullshit and compromise, or apologize.
Goddamn I hate that shit. Why is it so fucking hard to say you are sorry for hurting someone. Even if you aren't sorry for what you did, just shut up, say you are sorry and let the wound fucking heal. Bring up issues you have and act like an adult about it.
Why do young people find it so hard to admit their mistakes, and accept the mistakes of others. Emotional wounds are the same as physical ones as far as I am concerned. You accidentally bump into some one, or you cut some one, they get bruised or bleed and you apologize. All is forgiven, and it is understood that some people are a little clumsy, or get a little wild sometimes.
Why are emotional wounds taken so personally. Someone says you are being hurtful by saying a particular thing. Say you are sorry and chill out. Try not to say that thing around your friend because it hurts them.
It just makes me so mad because it seems like common sense. Maybe it's because I repress my emotions, or I'm not in touch with them enough. But I don't agree with that. Kris always says that I block out all negative emotions. I shove them away so I don't have to deal with them. I sort of agree with him, but I also think I push a lot of the bullshit out of the way. I don't let stupid little things bother me or ruin the way I think about other people.
Yes, okay, I feel numb about some things. I can't think of anything specific though, so I feel like it isn't anything important.
Yes, alright, here's one thing. My boyfriend and I were having a very sappy, emotional conversation about our love for each other, and he was tearing up and crying a bit, and I felt really strongly too, and I was overwhelmed with emotion, but I couldn't necessarily cry. I wanted to cry with him in that moment. It made me feel cold and uncaring to be so stoic looking in that moment. But I'm not stoic. There are plenty of things that make me cry. Not sob. Sobbing rarely happens unless I am being yelled at, and that's more out of fear.
Fuck it though, I tear up at movies all the time, or songs, or beautiful paintings of sunsets and sad faces.
You know what, emotions are shitty some times. It is so hard to commit to people and go through life with them. Everything is so volatile, even when you try and avoid it. I know for sure though. I don't want to avoid love, and I don't want to avoid art. And writing this blog could be an art. I tried to make it an art before things. High scribblings are necessarily art, but it was a creative start. But love, friendship and art have always been my passion. I don't want to be numb to it. So this isn't for you. You are reading this, for whatever stupid reason, possibly thinking I am stupid, but you're stupid.
Fuck off because you don't know me yet. No one knows me yet. Even Kris who thinks he knows everything about everyone. I have to know myself first. So, go on, get. I'm working through some emotional shit right now, and I can't cry when you're looking at me.
I want to though. I want to cry in front of you. So stop yelling. Just chill out. Let's talk about this and I'm sorry I bumped you. I'm sorry I danced with knives in my hand that one time. I was feeling restless and adventurous and I didn't realize we were both naked and these knives were so sharp. I thought they were butter knives, but now I can see they are machetes. Please forgive me and we can go dancing in the snow and eat bacon in bed.
Emotions are so messy, but I want to dip my paintbrush in and change this canvas. Thank you.
